Totally quotable

• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
• Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
• Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.